S-E-L-F

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Sean, 1978-

“I allowed myself to feel there was nothing else I could possibly do in the world, and I allowed myself to be scared of actually going forward. Then one Sunday, I said, ‘No more!’”

I am most proud of my art. And also, I am proud of me learning about myself. S-E-L-F, self. I came out here on a whim, I came out here because I got so sick and tired of my life that I was going to shoot myself. I had it all planned out. But I didn’t pussy out, I took responsibility for my own life, everything that was happening in my life. Like the misery of other people, and I was in the middle of it. I was so much in the middle of it, I didn’t even realize it until about the third day out here.

‘Oh my God!’ I couldn’t believe I was living those years like that. I couldn’t believe that I really wanted to shoot myself. It is weird, I could go back to that person, and I would slap him, I would beat the living crap out of the old Sean. Really, because I ain’t deserve that, and it was all my fault. It was all my fault because I allowed it to happen, I allowed myself to hang out with people who did not want to do any good, allowed myself to be around people who wanted to take my damn money, my hard-earned money, always.

I allowed myself to feel there was nothing else I could possibly do in the world, and I allowed myself to be scared of actually going further beyond what I had already done. Then one Sunday, I said, ‘No more! I’m moving to California.’ The next day I quit my job, I gave away all my stuff, and in five days, traveling with Greyhound, I landed in California. I haven’t been back since.


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